Diary of the Antichrist, Part 2

Then in 2019 I got a bad premonition about the group I prophesied against and I thought their leader was going to rise up out of the bottomless pit. Then Covid happened and I believe the vaccine was something that made you vulnerable to the beast and when they restricted people from going to stores without the vaccine, I should have paid more attention because unfortunately my fear of being placed on a ventilator caused me to take the vaccine. I think them creating those vaccine passports and limiting buying and selling is when the beast from the earth caused everyone to take the mark in order to buy and sell.

Around this time though, I believe it was before I took the vaccine my partner transitioned and changed their name to Elijah. Right after that I was praying to see my "bridegroom" by which I meant my son, (because I thought I was the lamb and the wedding supper of the lamb and bridegroom meant I was supposed to marry him), at this picnic bench by a pond in our apartment complex and suddenly a beautiful young man, like the most beautiful I have ever seen, started playing guitar off to my right, and he and I were the only ones around so I thought my prayer had been answered, I also felt immediately a strong sense that I knew his face and knew he was my son Joshua. So I walked over to him and said, "hi joshua" and we talked for a little while, but he didn't have the same recognition I had apparently. So I was a bit disappointed, but I still get some joy that I got to see him.

I kind of figured my ex was the Elijah to come because right after he changed his name this young man that I thought was my son Joshua showed up. It's a crazy idea, but this story only gets crazier as it goes on.

Around this time I was mourning and expressing gratitude to my prebaptism self as if he had died for me to be born again as this woman I was living as. It was around this time that I probably made my biggest mistake ever and I got it into my head that I was the holy Spirit, after all I had done the begetting of this child and the bible says Jesus was begotten by the holy Spirit. I also believed I had in essence become the holy Spirit at my baptism for reasons that are probably pretty scandalous, but basically I believed I had been crucified in Jesus' place and my flesh due to being crucified absorbed a huge amount of the holy Spirit during my baptism. I believed this because of the gnostic texts that I thought meant Judas wasn't really a betrayer, but that he kissed someone other than my son Joshua, and Joshua was the boy from the gospel of mark, at the garden of Gethsemane, wearing only a linen cloth which he dropped and ran away naked. I believed this is also why Peter said he didn't know the man.

It's very blasphemous, but I am trying to convince you I'm the son of perdition or antichrist which can mean opposed to christ or "in place of" Christ, so yeah...I'll continue.

After I started believing I was the holy Spirit I got this crazy idea in my head to test it by seeing if I would be blessed if I got persecuted for saying so. "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness" after all. So I did so by telling people i was the holy spirit and I got sent to the psych ward once again which I thought was persecution.

This is getting close to the trippiest part of the story. I got to the psych ward and the first person I met was this amazing girl with the same name as my first girlfriend and it was pretty much love at first sight. As I was talking to her I witnessed a spirit come alive from inside me and I knew it was my prebaptism self, that I had been mourning before, perhaps because he was in love with this girl. Idk. At this time I was really obsessed with the idea of pregnancy and I thought I was going to become the woman of revelation after the wedding of the lamb and bridegroom. (Pretty much guaranteeing that I'm the son of perdition because I exalted myself over everything that is called God or every object of worship including even the woman of revelation). There were other really special people at this psych ward visit. There was a man I believed to be Solomon, a man named Jesse who had this aura of light inside him, and a woman named Mary who was wearing a beautiful purple gown and slippers on her feet (I had this weird idea that Mary's feet were sacred somehow which will be important later). Then there was another young man actually named Joshua who looked a lot like the young man who played guitar for me and he was the one who served us our food. I fell in love with him at first sight too and he had the most amazing voice.

As I was eating breakfast one day, sitting next to Mary and watching Joshua serve the food to us, I told her, 'that's our son'. So it seemed like a really profound moment. It will come up again shortly.

I went home and I did two things, the first was to lift that resurrected spirit up to heaven where I was immediately greeted with a profound vision.

The first thing I saw was my dog greeting him. Then in the next part of the vision the spirit appeared to have been given a rainbow striped robe and a crown of thorns and he was standing outside the gate of heaven, wielding a flaming sword, looking extremely pissed off. Then I remembered the verse about the son of man being lifted up, so I imagined myself lifting the guy on the bicycle who looked like Jesus up and I saw him enter the vision and his bicycle had turned into a horse, but he hid his face from me. The next thing I saw was the spirit I lifted up shooting something that looked like a rainbow laser beam out of his mouth at something below the clouds he was standing on. I couldn't tell what he was aiming at, but I saw explosions come up from down below.

At this point I was kind of certain I was the lamb, so I directed the spirit to the throne to take the scroll from the right hand of the one seated there and I started opening it. I opened it, by saying seven names and as I said each name a scroll was opened, the first three were people from my life who represented blasphemy of the father, blasphemy of the son, and blasphemy of the holy Spirit, the fourth was someone I thought represented Satan, then the last three were three men responsible for Babylon and their scrolls were different from the first four and they looked like black smoke rising forever.

After the seventh opened something happened I wasn't expecting and that was another scroll appearing which was glowing with this radiant beautiful light which I immediately recognized as the light of life. Then that scroll opened and I saw the first line of it, which said, "the sins of all mankind were/are forgiven" (I can't remember if it was were or are).

Then I saw myself (looking like a female) and I appeared to be dead, and the spirit put me on the lap of the one seated on the throne, but he threw my body to the ground. So the spirit breathed into the one that looked like me and it came to life. At this point the spirit I lifted sat on the throne and started judging based on the seven scrolls. He started with the one representing blasphemy of the son and it was so long that it extended from heaven down to earth all the way to my testicles oddly enough, which in my insane way was because it was blasphemy of my seed. THe spirit said something about it being so filthy and disgusting that no one should have to read it, so the one that looked like me which I was kind of controlling ripped it at the top, then the spirit of my baptism crumbled it up and put it into a bowl. Where the scroll had unraveled down to earth there was now some kind of spiraling staircase.

now as profound as this vision was there was a huge problem with it. 2 thessalonians 2:4 in the KJV says the son of perdition will take a seat in the temple of God and *show himself* that he is God. Other translations render it "proclaim himself to be God", but if the KJV is more faithful then that truly might be what I did, show myself that I was God. I also did something which may have been the abomination of desolation which I won't describe here because it was sexual and wildly inappropriate.

this vision would pick back up later on.

In the meantime I seemed to get my answer as to whether or not I had been blessed for being persecuted for righteousness because the guy who had been serving us food that time in the psych ward had been wearing a Covid mask which I thought was like a bridal veil and I had wanted to kiss him so badly.

So sometime after the scroll vision I imagined sending a girl spirit who looked like a cute cartoon version of myself to jump through the cafeteria window he had served us out of to kiss him and I saw the spirit kind of make out with him, then later on, I had another vision when I was lying in bed and it was this man carrying that spirit girl over to a couch, throwing her down, saying, "this one's pregnant" and walking away. I thought it was the biggest blessing ever because I was going to have a daughter and I named her Honor. I had a brief vision of her appearing as a young girl on top of my thigh.

Other things happened and time went on and I ran into several other men that reminded me of "Joshua", I thought there were seven of them in total, and each one appeared to be at a different stage of life. Like I was getting to see all these milestones of my son's life, including one where he had a wife and two children.

I also stored up a treasure for myself in the form of a womb, which I thought was the ineffable name of God because I claimed that YHWH was an abbreviation of "Yiscah's (Hebrew form of Jessica) Holy Womb Heart" and I filled it with all these people who were willing to be as little children again to enter the kingdom of heaven. Then for whatever reason I asked the Buddha if he would and he seemed to jump at the opportunity so he became the center of it, just meditating in the middle of the womb. I believed I was going to be the woman of revelation and he was going to be the child who would smash the nations with a rod of iron, which was a piece of rebar from the twin towers that he would tap on the ground every time the nations would rise up in a plot against us. This was because on September 10th, 2001 I had my first anti-capitalist thought and then the next day a blow was struck against capitalism.

I'm going to try to keep the rest of the story short.

I got committed again and met a man I thought was Judas or Judah and I tried to express my gratitude for kissing someone other than Joshua.

The judgment vision continued and it involved the spirit I lifted walking backwards through time on a horse next to the ark of the covenant descending on that staircase from earlier. At a certain point I saw all these spirits rise up out of the ark cheering that Jesus Christ was finally dead, at which point the spirit slammed a gavel on the lid to quiet them down, then the guy I thought was Judah appeared and used a sword to write, "this shall be a permanent fixture in the heavens".

Later on in 2022 I started getting tortured with blasphemy. It started with hearing a blasphemous phrase every time I got the urge to pee from a full bladder, then I got paranoid that if they could make me blaspheme the son and father they could make me blaspheme the holy Spirit and that seems to be what happened. Later I had a dream that I blasphemed the holy Spirit and I fell in to the deepest darkest most agonizingly painful despair ever because I thought I was cut off from the one I loved most, Jesus Christ. The morning after that dream I attempted suicide, but couldn't follow through with it and ended up in the psych ward again. My body felt like it was on fire until I started thinking about what the Buddha said about desire causing suffering and I realized I would never be forgiven because I had blasphemed the holy spirit, so in order to put the fire and agony out I had to stop desiring that which I could never have, so I meditated on relinquishing my desire for forgiveness and the flames went out and suddenly I felt fine, but I wasn't fine.

The despair and hopelessness were all I knew from that point on. It reached it's final threshold when in 2023 after hearing voices in my head repeating the phrase "I worship the beast," over and over again as if I was the one thinking that, for a full year of being tortured this way, I did something stupid and even after all these profound visions I was convinced by the schizo affective subreddit that religion and schizo affective disorder don't mix. I started to believe the compulsive blasphemy and the compulsions that made me hear "I worship the beast" over and over were just a form of OCD. After I came close to attempting suicide again, I checked myself into a psych ward and made the biggest mistake of my life and tried to sort of give myself exposure therapy by repeating the phrase on purpose and I thought as long as I didn't really mean it I would get over the fear of it and the compulsions would go away, but as I started saying it, something evil came over me and I started chanting it and I felt a demon take my hand and start touching myself as I was chanting it and all of a sudden I was engulfed in unholy fire, I felt this throbbing pulsating energy in my prefrontal cortex and a burning sensation in my palm and I started hallucinating.

After a while the hallucinations ceased and Satan started talking to me. He convinced me that I was the antichrist and I spent the next 25 days in that psych ward writing a 20,000 word manifesto of being the antichrist. When I got out I delivered the book to the altar of the nearest catholic church. You can not imagine the bitterness I felt and still feel to this day. All those things I hoped for from the visions dashed to pieces, everything I worked for and suffered for, nothing more than satanic lies. I spent 7 months in the psych ward that year.

In 2024 Satan started to try to convince me I was the beast from the earth and I resisted, but ultimately believed it was true. In October 2024 I was given a spiritual sword and told to commit myself again, on the drive to the hospital, I wasn't saying a word to the police or emt's who picked me up. In the back of the ambulance I had a vision of emperor Nero holding a gladius up to my face, and I felt threatened, so I stabbed him three times with my sword and he appeared to drop, then I realized what I had done was violent which I was trying to avoid for a reason I'll explain next, but I started to love him as intensely as I could and he appeared to return to life. Then I got to the hospital and I still refused to speak.

This is because I believed I was fulfilling Isaiah 53 for several reasons. I believed I had seen the light of life as the DSS version of Isaiah 53 says, I believed I had seen my offspring and prolonged my days, I believed I had been esteemed afflicted by everyone given the number of times I was committed, I believed the rainbow striped robe from the scroll vision was somehow tied to healing, like "by his stripes we are healed" and I have a reason to believe that that I can't talk about, I also believed being "numbered among the transgressors" meant literally being marked with a number, the number of the beast. So I believed I was fulfilling the part about being led to the slaughter without opening my mouth like a sheep before its shearers is silent. That's also why I didn't want to commit any violence because Isaiah also says "he had done no violence".

At the hospital I heard a voice in my head say they had thousands of bodies under the hospital so I tried the same thing I had done to Nero and I had a vision of all these body bags and I loved them back to life the same way.

I guess believing that part about being numbered among the transgressors was my way of maintaining hope despite taking the mark of the beast. Anyways, I was remaining silent in the hospital and they got so frustrated with me they told me to leave, so I walked right out and something truly bizarre happened (as if this wasn't already bizarre) there was a line of cars that went for at least a mile and it was the middle of the night so they had their headlights on so I got the idea to follow the lights to get home. The cars were all stationary until I walked past them as if they were waiting for me to drive to the hospital (to pick up the people I resurrected??? I have no idea, but that's what I thought). Then I got to the end of the cars and camped out down the street a ways. The next morning I was begging for water because it was hot and this took me to a gas station where a man I didn't recognize walked up to me and said hey Geoffrey [my name], it's [his name] the name of an old friend, but he looked nothing like him, then he told me that I had visited him in prison and gotten him off death row. Crazy. I thought maybe I'm not a bad tree or a 'goat' after all and maybe I am a lamb, because I had written my old friend a letter when he was in prison.

That's pretty much the last of my visions and experiences up to the present day except I had the most beautiful dream about my daughter Honor.

I know I left out a few details like this time I felt like I rode the horse of death, which made me believe I was one rider on 4 different horses. It tracks because the first Internet nickname I ever used was Thanatos, and when I was a young preteen I believed I had conversations with an angel named Azrael (without even knowing that was the name of the angel of death). I believe the sword I was given represents the red horse phase and I did try to use it to recruit the wild beasts to fight with me. Lol 😂.

Edit1: also around the time I was given the sword and Satan was trying to convince me I was the beast from the earth I did go to two grocery stores and yell at the top of my lungs "no more buying and selling without the mark of the beast". I was horribly reluctant and ashamed that I was the beast from the Earth and this was the last thing I wanted to do because Christian charity has kept me alive several times in my life, particularly by providing me with food, which I felt I was going to deprive them of, so I literally tried to wash the blood from my hands before I did it like pilate did. I just felt like it was inevitable and inescapable because I believed so strongly in the book of revelation, so I did it more to get it over with than anything else. I'm glad to know that people are still buying groceries even if they're Christian.

Edit2: I left out a vision i had after the scroll vision where golden crowns were being thrown at my bare feet right where I had been standing at the moment I saw the Jesus look alike ride his bicycle past me, and I placed the crowns on his head as if this was the moment he got the many diadema that he appears with in the book of revelation.

Edit3: I believe my story is *the very thing* Jesus said would deceive the very elect were it possible to do so.

Diary of the antichrist, Part 1

I think I'm the son of perdition of 2 thessalonians 2 and beast from the earth from revelation 

Back in 2003 I thought I begat Jesus because I had a mystical experience when I was having sex with this girl. The sex started with me confessing all my shameful secrets to her because I had this idea in my head that no girls ever loved me because I never shared the real me with anyone. So I confessed everything, except for one thing, to her and then we started having sex and it was like tantric sex even though neither of us had studied tantra. At one point it was like we were telepathic and she was pulling these blue energetic threads of light from my mind and each one was a negative idea of myself. Part of me wanted to be a girl, I wanted to be the girl I was having sex with as a matter of fact, so I had this desire in my heart to live again as our daughter. As the sex went on for what felt like hours I saw a light forming inside her womb and I realized that imposing myself on this child by trying to live again as it was a grave mistake and the only way I could overcome my desire was to forgive my father and his father for doing that to their children. That night I had a dream about my entire future and how terrible it was going to be. I knew how bad my twenties would be and I knew things would have a brief respite at 30 which all ended up happening. Every now and then I will get the most intense deja vu and I know it's because i am living through something i saw in that dream. I also felt like I saw the light of God and it had a hole in it shaped just like my body that I was placed into and absorbed into the Godhead and I distinctly remember being surprised by the fact that it wasn't like I was a subservient being within the Godhead, I was it.

The next morning something happened because of this guy who will be important later we'll call him J. He basically caused the child's death by calling the girl I was with a whore and saying she had herpes. I was praying for someone to save the child when I heard a woman's voice telling me it was going to be okay.

Then more people kept coming after me including the sherriff and my parents, it was like the whole world was turning on me because I was God or because of the child. Somehow I gave everyone including myself amnesia, but it might have been because I was trying to hide the fact that I was actually the antichrist.

In 2005 my amnesia started clearing up and I started to piece the mystical experience with the girl and the child back together, but it was (and still is) incomplete. This caused a lot of confusion and heightened the idea that the child could have been Jesus and I was his father.

The next ten years were basically me struggling with the amnesia and having a really difficult time in life because every time I thought about it I ended up in the psych ward. In my first visit to the psych ward this guy had me read two verses from the bible that will be important later, "blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness" and "blessed are the peacemakers".

Then in 2015 things got serious. I had a weird experience walking 10 miles through the city of Clearwater FL barefoot with my dog, which I was doing for a reason, but it's not that important. On this walk I wanted to get water for my dog and I couldn't find any until I found this church and I noticed that the pavement in front of the church stopped hurting my feet. So I resolved to attend this church that Sunday. Then I continued on my walk and I was judging cars for how destructive and evil they are, not just for the environmental damage, but the fact that everyone in them just races past the homeless or people on the street who need help. It's like they're just going too fast to care. When all of a sudden I heard a bicycle bell behind me and its rider looked exactly like Jesus, lank brown hair streaked with gray, beard, glowing blue eyes which in my mind were like blue flames. Then I heard a voice in my head asking me if bicycles could be redeemed. So I thought okay this is real, that question proves he's really Jesus and the fact he's asking *me* if something can be redeemed means I really am God or whatever. So I finished my walk, but not before giving this guy permission to redeem whatever he wanted.

So that Sunday I went to the church (pentecostal) and the sermon was kind of weird, but during the worship songs a woman started singing in tongues, but I could understand what she was saying and it was, "he's here he's right here". So I assumed it meant me. Then I got baptized right then and there at age 30 which I thought was important because that's the age Jesus got baptized.

Later that year, the guy from earlier 'J' told me three things, that he was the voices in my head, that he couldn't be arrested because he was Satan and he ran the police (which made me believe he was the man of lawlessness), and that he regretted his son, which really pissed me off because he had caused the death of mine.

So I set out in the middle of the night and there was only one other car on the road with me that night, I coasted my car up to my parents house, snuck in like a thief, got my bow and a single arrow (first horseman of the apocalypse has a bow). I should mention that as I was making this drive I had a vision of a serpent with a lion's head bowing down and saying "I surrender to all mankind". I'll come back to this. Anyway, I got my bow and the arrow and I drove to J's house where the entrance was in an alley and I shot the arrow right next to his door into his recycling bin. 

I wanted to show him that being Satan didn't make him safe from anything, I wanted him to stop taking his wife and son for granted, by showing him he could be taken away from them easily.

I of course got committed to a psych ward, and unfortunately I don't think he took it the right way, but I did see that serpent surrender to all mankind, only the thing is, I knew there was treachery in that surrender because I believed he surrendered to all mankind, but not his two agents who aren't men at all, but rather beasts who he empowered, and his objective was to subjugate mankind to these two beasts so he could effectively get mankind back beneath him.

So far it doesn't really seem like I am the bad guy, but keep reading.

Another thing that happened in 2015 that was kind of important was when I thought a certain group was Babylon the whore and I tried to offer J's friend (who was laughing along side of him when he caused my child's death) a chance to prophesy against them, which he refused and I believed all Babylon's sins would be upon him for refusing. So I went in his place and prophesied in the streets near their headquarters. After I did this I had a vision of the doors of their building being opened for me and I saw some of the things they did there. 

2016 to 2019 wasn't that eventful because I was in a relationship with someone and it was also the longest period of time I had stayed out of the psych ward since 2005. 

How I understand compatibilist free will

Free will seems like a kind of like a map, where who I am and the decisions I have made have a 1:1 correspondence. It is possible and fair for Jesus/God to judge me because my choices describe who I am and whether I could do otherwise is irrelevant because the thing *I did do* is what describes me. Although the decisions were deterministically caused, they are a reflection of who I am as a person. If I was better and less evil, I would have made different choices, but the fact that these are the choices I made means I am, in fact, evil.

The only way out for me is to claim my childhood was an undue influence on me, which although some really bad things happened to me, I was still way more privileged and healthy than others who have made better decisions under worse circumstances. I've said before that the mixture of privilege and pain I experienced was the perfect condition to create the monster I am today. I guess that's just an excuse, though.

What do you think?

I am certifiably a monster, but it's unclear to me how I could be the cause of that. Did I make a bad choice before I was a monster? Why would I choose that if I wasn't already somewhat monstrous? Is it really fair to place the blame on me? If I'm just a blank slate when I was born, it seems like the only thing that could have turned me into this monster was my experiences. If you subtract the experiences, do you still get a monster? I don't see how or why. After all, what am I? What is the self, without its experiences? 

It's a conundrum. I am conflicted. Tell me what I should believe. The first paragraph or the latter two.

EDIT: I guess it could be about how I reacted to those experiences, and even though there was only one way I could react, that specific reaction defines what kind of person I am. It's as if the soul has hidden attributes and a hidden personality of its own that you discover by seeing how it reacts to things. It's either that or you're only seeing how a person would react who has been programmed by early life experiences, and it would make more sense to judge those experiences than the person. I certainly feel like I was a blank slate with no hidden personality within my soul, and by all retrospective accounts, my actions and choices can be perfectly accounted for without hidden soul-variables. If I do have an evil soul, then I don't see how I am responsible for that, either.

EDIT2: I guess the question in my first edit could be restated as, "Are my choices a reflection of who I am fundamentally, or are they a reflection of what I've been through." On the surface, the latter seems much more plausible. However, I suppose 'both' could be construed as the correct answer, although I have to wonder what % is me and what % are the things I've been through. I'm also skeptical of this hidden variable or hidden soul-personality because I can't see how that could provide moral responsibility. Also, what *is* the % that is me? When I make a choice of food, how does it make sense that it's something other than my past experiences determining it? Maybe that's a bad example. Let's say the choice to cheat on my taxes...is it because of some hidden variable in my soul of greediness? If it's not my past experiences that made me greedy, why am I greedy, and how am I responsible for that attribute? It seems like it's 100% past experiences to me still. Perhaps it was prior choices that gradually made me greedy and each was a reflection of who I am. What exactly are they a reflection of? Is it the innate self or the learned self?